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Open Letter to the Tampa Police Dept. & the RNC
from Presidential Candidate Vermin Supreme
Not since the days of Gasparilla and Black Caesar has old Missy Tampa Bay had her bloomers in such a bunch Alarmingly, bunched up bloomers can only exacerbate an already sticky situation down there.
On behalf of my constituencies. I would like to turn uip the Southern charm and address this open letter to you, the charming Tampa Police Department.
Also I should like to say hello to the supporting departments, and agencies from across the country, who will be working with us , together, during this hot and sweaty National Security Rodeo.
I am here today, to address an issue that is critical to the health and safety of all, during the warm, damp days of the southern fried RNC .There is an underreported, often ignored, and rarely discussed health condition that could easily devolve into a rash of serious injuries... or worse. Sadly, it may be the very people who are tasked with providing safety and order, that will be most susceptible to this scourge. Ironically , it could be the very same people that they are being tasked to serve and protect that may be it's ultimate victims.
The place where any two parts of the human body rub up against each other can cause painful irritation. The same is true of the body politic.
Skin is the human body's largest organ, just as the thin blue line is fast becoming the largest organ in the body of society. One place in the body politic where constant friction can occur is where the street meets the feet. This is where first amendment practitioners , experiencing societal discomfort, attempt to petition their rulers for a redress of grievance. This is where they will rub up against the epidermal layer of the security state.. Freedom of movement, assembly and speech can help alleviate some of the powerful irritation caused when the citizenry rub against their rulers.
Any moment now, a parade of patriotic and otherwise Americans will descend upon Tampa en masse, to practice the First Amendment of America.
By the busload Patriotic citizens burning for justice, itching for freedom, and chafing against the yolk of oppressiveness will arrive..
In South African there is a proverb that states, " If your buttocks burn, you know you have done wrong." However, During this National Security Event Sale all sides will have plenty of skin in the game.
“The Federal Restricted Buildings and Grounds Improvement Act of 2011.” aka H.R. 347 (signed bt Obama, not Putin) makes it a federal crime to disturb events of national significance—such as a political convention, punishable by ten years. This law has nothing to do with hedge trimming and everything to do with criminalizing non-violent political speech.. It is a hysterical overaction to free speech activities. It makes what is at most disorderly conduct a federal case It is the type of vindictive prosecutory zeal that has put activists like Tim Christopher and Pussy Riot in prison.
For years I have experienced the joy of using free speech to interact with, and occasionally disturb such events. To have such harmless, constitutionally protected expressiveness criminalized on a federal level, I find ... disturbing. I myself have experienced the burning discomfort of Chafing . The sense of humor is the first thing to go. When the sense of humor goes things get grim indeed.
Police are at a distinct disadvantage in keeping their cool in a late August swelter. They will wear layers of insulating, passively aggressive, storm trooper, turtle suits. They will march for miles, often working twelve hour shifts for days on end. They will have to stand for hours in the sun, sometimes while having to pee. These factors can very well cloud an officer's decision making abilities. Add chafing to this mix, and all bets are off.
Luckily the skirmish line cops have no decisions to make. They rely on, hopefully less tired and cooler headed, commanding officers for their orders.
One decision that is left to each officer is just how much force to use when their superiors order them to do violence, in order to keep the peace. Violence, of course, must be strictly left in the hands of safety officer professionals at all times. However, as a citizen, I expect and demand absolute professionalism in my governmental representatives that have been sent to threaten me, and my constituents with violence.
Professionally, Anything more than the MINIMAL use of force is considered excessive, and unsporting . It is my belief , that there is a far greater likelyhood of excessive use of force being used by an officer experiencing the grouch- intensifying effects of chafing. Riot Protection gear can not protect you from chafing yourself raw. The butt cheeks of justice must be protected. Officers, If you are ordered to attack fellow civilians, please ignore the butt pain and pull your punches, no one needs to get hurt. Corn starch I say is the answer !
Military men will tell you that petroleum jelly is the way to go for preventing chafing. Of course I am a firm believer in the posse comitatus act disallowing the military from conducting domestic law enforcement. I believe we must look towards a post petroleum future, if we are to lower our carbon emissions and lower our dependence on foreign oil. Officers , if you observe the military acting in the capacity of civilian law enforcement, please arrest them. Also, petroleum jelly prevent sweating, therefore interfering with a body's natural cooling.
I have heard that some anti-authoritarians may be wearing all black clothing in solidarity with their profusely sweating riot control opponents. I have heard some police may dress as anarchists to incite confusion as to who exactly, is responsible for what.
Instead of taping over one's police badge, I recommend taping over one's nipples to help assure civil liberties, and prevent chafing. Just like Thomas Jefferson said about watering the tree of liberty with the blood of tyrants, hydration is very important. Keeping your powder dry and using powder to keep you dry are very important. Powder wicks away moisture. I recommend corn starch. In the native Calusa language Tampa means 'sticks of fire'. To avoid this sensation I recommend cooling glide on commercially available anti-chafing sticks.
America, there is only ONE surefire way to avoid chafing . Wearing No Pants. Sadly , in present day America there are laws prohibiting pantslessness. In a Supreme administration my number one priority will be working towards a 'no pants' clause to the US constitution.
Together, we will win the War on Pants. Myself, I have been lucky enough to have an understanding physician who has written me a prophylactic prescription for optional pants wearing in times of chafing. So once again officers, if you see me at the convention protests and I am not wearing pants, do not be alarmed. It is for a legitimate medical reason. Secret Service, If you see me on the floor of the convention floor , and I am not wearing pants on the Jumbotron, do not panick. , I will be excersizing legitimate, symbolic, political free speech commentary. .
Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.
In summation :
1.) Minimal use of violence should always be used to achieve your objective.
2. ) In a large control force dealing with masses of demonstrators, control force members can lose their sense of individuality. ... All members of the control force must be aware that they are accountable for all their actions. Commanders must insure those with strong prejudices against the group being controlled do not participate directly in civil disturbance control operations.
3.) When approaching a crowd ALWAYS leave it's members an exit.
4.) An extremely dangerous situation if the crowd begins to panic. This panic can be caused when the crowd feels threatened and believes their only avenue to safety is to flee. When engaging in crowd dispersal operations, police must be aware of this and give jno cause for the crowd to believe that escape routes are limited or blocked in any way. When this fear is coupled with the police using crowd dispersal agents, those not moving fast enough to suit all may be trampled to death.
5.) It may be best to ignore minor violations.
6.) If possible allow the crowd to drain itself of energy and disperse by itself.
Actually these are directives from Army crowd control manual FM 19-15 and such, close enough.
Yours for a Pants Free America,
I am, Vermin Supreme. candidate for president ,
Free Pony Party of America..
Free Pony Party of America..