My Toilet Bowl is Bugged! (Redux)

by Phil Polizatto, WWH/CJE  - The Water Department came by the other day to install a small metering device under the lip of my toilet bowl. When I asked the reason, he said it would provide useful data concerning the amount of water I use, but I was suspicious. He tried to allay my concern by saying it would be useful not only to the Water Department, but to me as well. I might conserve more water after learning how much I really use and thereby have the incentive to flush less. He also warned me that if I tampered with it, it would set off an alarm at the Department’s headquarters, and they would immediately come out to see what was wrong. So not to worry. It was for my own good.

After he left, I took a magnifying glass to the device to discover who the manufacturer was and the model number. I googled the information and discovered the small, inconspicuous device was actually an extremely sensitive scatological forensic tool. It could instantaneously analyze my shit and send the results to the Water Department via a radio transmitter. The report would tell them what I had ingested that day or the day before, including any illegal drugs and alcohol, whether I was a vegan, vegetarian, or meat eater, what brands of food I preferred, a DNA sample of any pubic hairs that may have fallen into the bowl, my race, gender, ethnicity, and whether I wore briefs or boxers.

You think I’m spinning a yarn? I am. But it is not so far-fetched a scenario as you might think when you consider some other things. While the fabricated debt ceiling debate was consuming our attention, these were quietly accomplished by our government:

The House Judiciary Committee approved legislation on Thursday that would require Internet service providers (ISPs) to collect and retain records about Internet users’ activity.

CNET reported the bill would require ISPs to retain customers’ names, addresses, phone numbers, credit card numbers, bank account numbers, and temporarily-assigned IP addresses for 12 months. The bill passed by a vote of 19 to 10, and is aimed at helping law enforcement track down pedophiles.

The rationale for this bill is to enhance law enforcement’s efforts to developleads that might result in saving a child. Oh, the pictures they conjure up! They may as well have used puppies! Children and puppies always pluck the heart strings, especially the ones who have chips embedded beneath their puppy-breath, fuzzy fur. I mean, really, how can anyone be against saving a puppy? I mean, a child. How dare we frustrate the enforcement of the law because we simply like that our ISP’s do not retain our private information or keep it for extended periods of time just in case the government wants it.

“The bill is mislabeled,” Rep. John Conyers (D-MI), a senior member of the panel told CNET. “This is not protecting children from Internet pornography. It’s creating a database for everybody in this country for a lot of other purposes.” – The Raw Story, Eric W. Dolan.
“The data retention mandate in this bill would treat every Internet user like a criminal and threaten the online privacy and free speech rights of every American, as lawmakers on both sides of the aisle have recognized.” -Senior Staff Attorney, Kevin Bankston of the Electronic Frontier Foundation.

For all I know, Lamar Smith and Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, who sponsored this bill, had the best intentions. For all I know, you think I’m an insensitive pedophile! I’m not. But so far law enforcement has done just fine using technology and databases that we know exist. Second of all, I am sure in my gut, law enforcement already has access to anything it wants. And my ISP? I don’t trust it either. I am sure they already know everything about me. And if put under enough pressure, they would cough it up. So if you are in favor of a bill that would legislate what is already being done, add to that, this: read more…